


Unsend letters from the Blank Years

by wehavefoundthestars



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Angst, Elio's POV, Letters, M/M, Oliver's POV, The Blank Years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wehavefoundthestars/pseuds/wehavefoundthestars
Summary: Letters that are written from Elio to Oliver and Oliver to Elio but are never sent. Set in what the book calls 'the blank years'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I never written a fanfiction before so please don't judge too harsly. and I didn't have anyone to proofread it so any mistakes are my own.

# Autumn - Elio

 ~~Oliver~~ Elio,

It has been several weeks now since I last saw or heard from you. Summer has ended and we have returned back to our house in Milan. Those last few weeks back in B. felt surreal. I moved back into my old room – our room. It hurt more than I thought it would be to go back there. Mafalda already had erased any evidence of you ever being there before I got back home. It’s almost like you never even were here but you were. You were here and you changed everything. Do you even realize that Oliver? How much you turned my world upside down? How happy you made even if saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I ever had to do? 

If I could I would do it all over again. Everything. It still hurts Oliver but I wouldn’t want it any other way. My father knows about us… Or at least suspected something was going on. When I came back home from Rome we had a talk or rather he talked and I listened. He told me it was okay to miss you and to hurt, to take all the time I needed to get over you instead of burying my feelings deep inside where no one could see them. I don’t even think I could do that if I wanted to because you are everywhere.

Every time I stepped outside I expected to see you lying there on your spot. Heaven. No matter where I looked or turned your ghost is haunting me. I expected you to show up any minute asking me to take a swim in the lake or go jogging. I am not the only one who missed you, we all did. Vimini was upset that you did not say goodbye to her when you left. We were so selfish, wanting to make the most of every minute we had left together, rushing to get away and spend those last few days together in Rome. She deserved a proper goodbye, and I feel bad that I’m partly responsible for it. She is scared that she will never be able to see you again. I hope you will at least write to her even if you don’t write to me, that’s the least you can do for her. You two always seemed to get along so well although I never knew what you talked about all those days on your spot at the rock near the beach.  
I wonder what you’re doing right now. Are you talking to your publisher? I heard from my father that your book is almost ready for publishing. I am proud of you but I think, no hope, that you know that. You always thought so little of yourself but you are a great person Oliver. If I had to pick one person to fall in love with I would have always picked you. Not that it was a choice, that’s not how love works but if it were I would always pick you.

I started school again, my last year. It was nice to see my friends again and exchange stories of our summers – though I couldn’t get myself to mention you. I think they suspect something happened but they haven’t asked about it, which I’m grateful for. I wouldn’t even know how to put into words what happened and even if I did know the words they wouldn’t understand.  
What we had was something special. Something that perhaps only occurs once in a lifetime. What we had was really Oliver. 

Sometimes at night when I miss you the most I get out Billowy. It’s the only thing I have of you, I know we both bought the same poster back in Rome but it’s not the same. Your shirt still smells like you, oh how I dread the day when it will no longer have your scent because that day will come far too soon. 

I miss you every day Oliver. I hope you’re doing well in New York and that you think of me every once in a while. That isn’t asked for much, is it? Just think of me sometimes that’s all I want. I can’t stand the thought of you forgetting me entirely.  


Yours,  


~~Elio~~ Oliver

* * *

Elio stares down at the letter he had just written, already knowing he will never send it. How could he? It would be unfair to throw all of this in Oliver his face when he clearly had already moved on. What other reason could there be for the lack of phone calls or letters from his side? Folding the letter in two he puts it in a box which he shoves under his bed hastily when he hears his mother call for him to come down for dinner. “I’m coming!” He takes one last look towards the box before leaving his room slamming the door shut behind him.


	2. Autum - Oliver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters that are written from Elio to Oliver and Oliver to Elio but are never sent. Set in what the book calls 'the blank years'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is from Oliver's POV. It's just how I think he is experiencing things since we know so little of him.

# Autumn – Oliver

  
  


His hand was hovering by the phone, he had even dialed the number already, had it memorized it by heart but as soon as the line connected he put the phone down. The number of times he had wanted to contact Elio, he at least started a dozen letters but none of them had felt right they were too vague, impersonal or way too over the top. He is old enough to know that leaving Elio alone was the right thing to do. He was still young he would move on and forget about him. If only the same thing could be said about him. In the end, he decided to pick up a pen and write a letter, not with the intention of sending it, no just to get it out of his system. Perhaps it would stop his mind from wandering off towards Elio.

* * *

Oliver,

I feel bad about the way we parted, you deserved a proper goodbye. You deserve only the best things Elio. There were so many things I was too afraid to share with you not just because I’m shy but also because I am a coward.

I know what you’re thinking, what are you talking about Oliver? You aren’t a coward but I am.  
Did you know that those six weeks in Italy were the first time I could actually be me? Be free? Do whatever I felt like doing without having to put up some kind of façade? The way I felt about you, still feel about you, terrified me, partly because of our age difference and because of a deep-rooted fear that I would mess you up but more because I couldn’t stand the thought of what other people would think of it. They wouldn’t understand and I tried to tell myself it’s because I wanted to protect you from them but in reality, I was trying to protect myself.

You don’t realize how lucky you are Elio, you are surrounded by people who love you and accept you for who you are. I don’t have that. My parents couldn’t be any more different from yours. They expect me to get married did you know that? They are pushing me more every day, saying I have the right age and isn’t it time to start a family and give them grandchildren?  
It’s suffocating, once I returned back to New York it felt like I had to play the part of a man who is part of the wealthy family always well behaved, always does as their family orders them and will become successful in his career, will get married with a girl that my parents approve of. Returning back to the harsh reality after the summer I had was just as brutal as saying goodbye to you. Don’t get me wrong I love my parents, I really do but nothing I ever do is good enough for them despite all my attempts to please them. Did you know they are still mad about the fact that I didn’t become a doctor or a lawyer? A respectable profession in their eyes but it wouldn’t have suited me. Choosing my own career was my ultimate act of defiance or so I thought… That was until I met you.

I have been attracted to people of the same gender before, I might have even experimented but none of it came close to what we had. I feel like meeting you was in a way a beautiful but cruel gift from the universe. Showing me what I could have, something real and meaningful but would never be accepted by society and would ultimately lead my parents to disinherit me. If they knew about us they would send me to an asylum, probably would not let me inside their house anymore. They would no longer call me their son. I love them Oliver despite their many faults and I can’t stand to lose them. 

It’s pathetic, isn’t it?

You looked at me like I had all the answer in the world while I know nothing. You know more than me and you don’t even realize it.

This is why you deserve someone better then me, why I know I shouldn’t call or write to you because I know that if you hear from me again you will get hope. Hope can be a cruel thing because I would let you down in the end. I can’t give you what you want or deserve but oh how I wish I could. What we had was real you know. Probably the most real thing in my whole life.

I will come back with Hannukkah to Italy. Your parents invited me. It might be selfish of me but I want to see you again, even if it’s just one last time. Can you forgive me for being so selfish even if it would probably break your heart?

Love,

Elio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this always feel free to give me a comment with ideas or suggestions!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters that are written from Elio to Oliver and Oliver to Elio but are never sent. Set in what the book calls 'the blank years'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I'm mostly following the book now. I hope you like it!   
> Not beta'd, any mistakes I've made are my own.

# January 1984 – Elio

Oliver,

There is no denying that I felt excitement when I heard you would be coming to visit us back in Italy for the holidays. That little flame of hope that has been dying flared up again. Hope is a cruel thing, you can’t stop yourself from hoping no matter how hard you try and once it gets crushed it’s as if your life crumbles into a million pieces. Did you even realize that is what you did to me?

I knew from the moment you stepped into the house I was wrong to hope. You acted as distant as you had at the beginning of our summer. I should have been prepared for this but I wasn’t. Foolish as I was I had hoped and prayed we could continue where we left off, if only for a week. And then that one night you came at my room. I will be getting married next spring. It’s been on and off for two years.

I needed to say that I was happy for you because that’s what people say in a situation like that right? I had to be grateful for laying next to you on my bed and getting one last kiss before you distanced yourself from me once again before you vanished for my life for good.

In reality, it felt like someone punched me straight in the stomach. Of course, I want you to be happy and part of me always knew that whatever it was we had, had an expiration date. We couldn’t last. Maybe because of your father, would he really have sent you to a correctional facility if he had found out? You never mentioned him before. I know so little of your life while I feel like you know everything about mine. Or maybe our age difference would eventually become too big of a difference but I had not expected it would be you deciding to marry her would mean the end of us. Did I mean so little to you that it proved to be so easy to move on from what we had? Or did you decide that you like girls better?

I have so many questions and I know I will never get an answer for any of them. I got to move on, get over you although I’m not sure that’s even possible when everything reminds me of you. From a song on the radio to a guy that passes by with blonde hair.

Did you ever realize what kind of an impact you had on my life? I’m starting to doubt it. You have shaken my whole existence to the core and there is no coming back for that. Everything around me stayed the same only I wasn’t. I still wouldn’t change anything about our summer together even if it hurts. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

If I want to let you go I suppose I will have to stop writing you letters, even if they never really get sent. 

Goodbye Oliver. I hope you will be happy with her. I truly do, even if I wish I was the one that would bring you happiness.

Yours,

Elio

* * *

  


He felt like an idiot after finishing that last letter. Part of him was tempted to throw it in the nearest fireplace, to see the paper crumple up into itself and burn until nothing of it was left besides a pile of ash. Symbolic of how his heart felt right now. Instead, Elio found himself folding the letter neatly and putting it away with the other one. Maybe one day, years from now he would laugh at how silly he had been, thinking that he had understood what love truly meant. Maybe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never written a fanfiction before so please don't judge too harsly. and I didn't have anyone to proofread it so any mistakes are my own.

# January 1984 – Oliver

He should really stop writing these. His fiancée could find the letters or even worse his parents. The thought made him shiver while he stares down at the letter where he poured his heart out. There was no one he could talk to, no one who would understand but him. The one person who he couldn’t send this letter to. Elio. Would he ever stop thinking about him? No, the time they had together would be forever engraved in his mind and heart. Maybe even longer than forever.  


* * *

Elio, Elio, Elio, 

I know the news I brought to you broke your heart because in a way it also broke my own. I’m a terrible person. It took all my courage to come back to Italy and bring you the news of my engagement in person. At first, I thought I was going to simply phone you but I felt like the cowards way out, you deserved to hear it from me in person. Now I think about it I realize how cruel it was to you but was there even a nice way to let you down? I certainly could not think of any. 

You are still so young, you’re still in high school imagine the looks we would get if we would just walk hand in hand in the streets. It wouldn’t be scandalous just because we were two men but also because of our age difference. How can one overcome such things? You and your youthfulness made me forget for a while, you awoke me and I can see things clearer now.  
I could wait for you forever but that wouldn’t be fair. You deserve to move on. You deserve to grow up and experience life to the fullest without someone older holding you back. Please forgive me for breaking your heart Elio, because you, you deserve the sun, the moon, the stars, everything that is good in this world, but I am not the one who can give you those things. I wish I was. 

f only… 

If only… 

What ifs they are slowly destroying me. Day after day, minute after minute. 

I don’t have an excuse for getting engaged. I like her and at my age, it was about time I settled down, at least according to my parents and the rest of the family. The pressure broke me in the end. It’s what they wanted. It’s what people expect of me. What she and I have is nothing like what we had. It’s calm, steady and boring. Our relationship has been on and off for years and I know realize why but I still am too afraid to admit it even in this letter that I will never send to you. 

She is a nice girl I think you would like her. I met her back in college. You probably would not want to know any of those things. If you were with someone else I most definitely wouldn’t want to hear it. 

Did you know why I kept using the word later? You are so smart it wouldn’t surprise me if you figured it out by now. I said later because I could not say goodbye. The thought of ever having to say goodbye to you, to our summer together is too much to bear. It would be saying that what we had was over. I don’t think I could ever utter such words. Our one summer in Italy meant everything to me. Everything and so much more. It was my one chance to be a free man and do what I actually wanted to do. 

But it’s time to grow up. 

Get back to the real world. 

To my life without you. 

Forever yours,  
Oliver 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think so far and if I should keep going or not. Also thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
